God is in Control; I am NOT God!

God is in Control; I am NOT God!
June 14, 2021

As many of you know, for the month of June, I am participating in a program at Kenrick called "Behold the Man". This program is meant to orient everyone entering Theology 1 in the Fall to the life and rigor of formation here at KGS. It is also meant to help each one of us learn to listen for the voice of God more clearly in our lives. As part of this experience, we were blessed to have an eight day guided silent retreat. Having just completed the 8 days in solitude, I thought it would be a good time for an update. 

At the thought of spending eight days in silence, with no phone, computer, iPad, iPod, TV, or any other technology, and also not having conversation with anyone but a spiritual director, many people are immeditately shocked. Common repsonses are: "You are going to spend 8 days not talking?"; "Jake, are you even able to keep your mouth shut for that long?"; "What do you do that whole time?". I must admit that the thought was daunting. I usuually think our five day long retreats in January are enough time in silence. But this experience was different. I could really feel the presence of God with me each and every day. Even on day 8, when the retreat was nearing the end, the silence was still a beautiful thing. 

Many graces were given to me from God during the retreat and many things were brought to light and healed in a new way; I will simply comment on a few of them here. The first grace I recieved was a particular healing around the events surrounding the closing of St. Benedict Parish (my home parish). I had prayed with and reflected on the times at St. Benedict many times since coming to seminary, even on my 5 day retreat in January, and I thought I had gotten over the pain and the saddness of it's closing. But this was not the case; memories kept flooding into my prayer during the 8 days of slience. At the suggestion of my spiritual director (SD), I prayed with the memories, the good and the bad, surround the parish and was able to unpack alot of them with him in our daily meetings. One thing that really struck me in our conversation came on the last day of the retreat. As I was telling my SD about some of the times I experienced God's love in the Church, he commented that even though the building in gone, the spirit of the place lives on. The Spirit of St. Benedict Parish lives in each and every person that ever attended a Mass there, or received a Sacrament there. St. Benedict lives in all of us and that is very special. Since I received the Eucharist there many times, I have carried Christ with me from that place. Looking at the closing in this way provided much consolation and pride for the place St. Benedict has in my story. 

Another great grace came through a verse in St. Paul's Letter to the Ephesians. Ephesians 2:13 says "But now in Christ Jesus, you who once were far off, have been brought near by the blood of Christ." I have never really prayed with the redemeptive quality of Jesus' Blood before, but there was a strong pull from the Lord to sit with it. Morning after morning as I prayed my frist holy hour, laying on the ground in my room, I would stare up at the San Damiano Crucifix and see Christ's blood spurting from his feet and hands and trickling from his side. It falls on the people pictured on the Cross and you can feel the redemption taking place. Another movement in regards to the Precious Blood, came with the verse noted above. No matter how much we sin, and how far we stray from God, through the gift of his blood, we are brough back to him and back to the Church. 

While the two above graces were great, the most profound grace of the retreat was something else entirely. As many of you know, I love control and I detest situations where I do not have control. You may guess that this is not a conducive triat for someone who might be dealing with schedule changes all the time. Through a lot of work the past two years, being open to the graces of God during the past 8 days, and a heart turned to prayer, I was able to reliquish a lot of the desire for control I have and turn it over to God. I repeated over and over again the title to this blog - God is in control; I am not God! God is in control; I am not God; God is in control; I am not God! With this prayer, I was able to spend 8 days not setting a schedule, relying on the Spirit to guide me, could go to bed at night without feeling like the day had been heavy and I experienced a serious decrease in my anxiety and anxious thought pattern. With this newfound freedom, I hope I can continue to remain rooted so much in Christ that I am able to continue giving up control and letting God be the one who controls the actions of my life. This grace, and gift, are the culmination of what I have been working on the last two years in formation. God is patient with us and he will wait and work as long as he needs to in all of us. 

Thank you all for the prayers during the retreat and for the prayers you always are saying for me. Please know of my prayers for all of you in return. After the Behold the Man program ends in June, I will be spending the month of July assigned to the Cathedral of the Epiphany in Sioux City. 

Pax et Bonum,
Jake Rosenmeyer