Advent - A Time of Waiting...A Time of Reflection

 Advent - A Time of Waiting...A Time of Reflection
12/13/2020

Happy Advent! 

Disclaimer: This post might me longer than normal, as there have been alot of movements lately. Fair Warning!

An update before the real meat of the post: I am finished with finals (passed all of my classes, one C and the rest As) - the perfectionist in me is still trying to figure out how I let that happen. Thanksgiving was a wonderful time back in Iowa with family and friends. Since we started classes in the middle of August, the formation staff for both College and Pre-Theology decided to give us the week after Thanksgiving off as well. I spent the extra week in Des Moines with four of my classmates. We worked on final exams, which were take-home, spent time in prayer, visited various churches, enjoyed fraternity together, and cooked some very good meals! I am grateful to my Aunt Jean for allowing me to stay at "Pinkerton" although no quiltiing was done. 

I am back at the seminary for two weeks of formation workshops entitled "Behold the Man". The Pre-Theology and College students are being presented various workshops focusing on our spiritual lives and our human formation. Some of these workshops will be used in greater capacity for incoming Theology 1 men this Summer. With the workshops, we have had time each day to reflect on what was said in the workshop, and that has led to refleciton on the past semester and really life as a whole. We have had workshops dealing with integration of our Thoughts-Feelings-Desires, Self-Identity and Self-Revelation, Relation-Identity-Mission, Knowing Our Grammar, and Prayer as God's Intiative of Love. I know alot, right? 

As I continue to reflect on the many topics we have discussed, I have come to some very stark realizations that have been building in me since entering seminary. Most of my posts since then have been simple updates, with a little bit of growth added, but I feel compelled now to share more of my personal faith journey with all of you. God has poured out endless graces on me these past 18 months. I entered the Seminary confident in who I thought I was (and boy was that person wounded and broken). I am finally begining to feel what it is like to have God love me intimately everyday of my life. Beloved sonship was a foriegn concept to me, but now I cannot imagine my life without the feeling of being a Beloved Son of the Father. With this new found sense of Beloved Sonship, I have been able to combat some of the lies I have told myself for years. 

During my first meeting with our counselor last year, I proudly announced that I did not talk about feelings (because feelings cannot be trusted naturally). Looking back at that moment now, I cannot help but think how stupid of a statement that is. Like most rural Iowans, the farm I was raised on did not really lean itself to open discussions about feelings and emotions very often. This is no fault of anyone, it is how the Iowa farmer has gotten by for generations. It took some time, but in these past months, I was finally able to break through that old belief and am now much more comfortable looking at and sharing what I am feeling, which it turns out is actually really healthy for me! I used to bottle things up to the point of implosion, but instead of imploding inwards, I would explode outwards and that would in turn cause harm to relationships aroud me. So for anyone who was on the receiving end of one of those outbursts, I apologize. 

Another lie I had to overcome (in fact I am still overcoming it), was the belief that my identity was tied up in my success and my accomplishments. I thought and believed things like: 

"My family will not love me if I do not get As in school";
"My parents won't be proud of me if I am not successful like they are"; 
"I am unloveable because I am not perfect";
"There is no way God will love me if I am not successful in life". 

These were and are some pretty toxic lies that trapped me over the years. The worst part was, they were not things I ever heard from people, they were internal pressures I put on myself. I do not think they are just lies I believe, I wonder how many other people struggle with the same thoughts. If any of the above statements (or statements similar to them) resonate with you, I urge you to give those fully over to God! He will heal you of those false beliefs. God's love is abundant whether you are successful or not. We are not loved based on our accomplishments. One of our presenters urged us to place our wounds and woundedness into the wound in the side of Christ. A somewhat gruesome image, but one I have found most helpful.

Above is just a snapshot of what has been going on in my formation and in my heart these past weeks/months. It is alot and I still have many things to pray through with all of it. But I now know that God is with me and God is here to listen to whatever I have to tell him. For all of my family and friends reading this, I love you all so much and I thank you for the part you have played in my life. I cannot imagine this journey without all of you. It is because of you that I have accomplished all that I have. 

Blessings on the remainder of this Advent Season and I pray you and yours have a very Merry Christmas. Remember, as we wait for the coming of Christ, Christ is also waiting for you to come to him. Reach out. Spend some extra minutes in prayer each day, you might suprised at the results. 

Pax et Bonum, Peace and All Good,

Jake